I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
