I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
