So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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