found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
