3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
