Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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