What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
