I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
