nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
