I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
