Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
