Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
