no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
COCAINE IS GR8
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
