You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
