I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I still have a little drunk in my system
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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