I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
