Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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