dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
