If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
