maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
