I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
