Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
