FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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