hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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