Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
