were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
