I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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