I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
