You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
