So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
