My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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