I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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