I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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