So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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