im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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