sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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