best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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