Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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