Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
