worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
