he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You need a sexual gate keeper
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
