I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
