I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
