he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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