My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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