Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
