i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
