I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
