i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
