i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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