end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize