i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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