Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
