I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Are we still banned from the library?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
