Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Randomize
