I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
