why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
