When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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