i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
