This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
