nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
