it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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